Turning pages

Anyone who knows me, knows I love to read (seems pretty obvious considering I teach English, right?). Anyway, I just finished reading Julia Scheeres' memoir Jesus Land. Talk about an unbelievable experience (hers, not mine). Rather than focusing on her entire life, she chronicles her high school years. The title is appropriate, and actually a bit ironic. I had actually thought that perhaps this would detail the life of a believer, of the glory of growing up in Him, but, unfortunately, that was not her experience. Her parents were abusive, and unloving. It was as if they had dual personalities; to the church, they were God-loving people who supported the work of missionaries throughout the world, but to their children, they were cold monsters.

Even more tragic was the racism within the home. Scheeres' has two adopted brothers who are black; though externally it appeared as if the family really cared about the welfare of these boys, internally, life was filled with hate, anger, and violence. The author points out the marked difference in treatment she received and her brothers received.

Then, as if her life with her parents wasn't bad enough, she and her "twin" brother David (they were the same age) were sent to a reform school in the Dominican Republic. Again, how tragic that people claiming to be Christians could treat other humans so poorly was astonishing. The more I read, the more I saw the extremism and the legalism that some bring to the faith. No wonder there are those who hate Christians; their experiences are so skewed and so damaging, that it's hard to believe that not all believers are like that.

Pathetic fallacy in action

Pathetic fallacy is a literary device in which nature mimics the character's emotions. I've always enjoyed this particular technique since it allows the author to introduce depth to a particular character without being overt. Maybe that's why I've often applied that "technique" to life. Take yesterday for example...

Sunday and yesterday were perhaps some of the worst days ever. After celebrating the hope of new life, the celebration ended in a miscarriage. I was shocked; I knew that it was a possibility, but I didn't think it would actually happen. There weren't any signs, any warning. It just happened. I kept hoping that maybe this was just a sort of complication, that I hadn't really lost the baby, that there could be another explanation. But, no.

Now for the pathetic fallacy... yesterday it rained. and rained. and rained. I don't think the sun shone once. How appropriate then, that the weather mirrored my own feelings. It was simply a sad day. Like the rain, my tears were off and on throughout the day. I simply wanted to stay cozied up on the couch with my husband (who has been amazing throughout this, by the way). It wasn't that I wanted to wrap myself in pity, it was that I just wanted to be in the moment and experience the sadness of the loss. The rain almost seemed like a message from the Lord, too. It was almost as if He, too, was mourning my loss. And strangely, that's comforting.

I think just being has actually helped me. I mean, it's a day later, and I do genuinely feel better, but I think that's due to the time I had to just experience the loss. Not to say that I won't have bouts of sadness again, but I truly believe that the healing has begun.

As I mentioned before, Scott's been amazing. He came home without hesitation yesterday just to be here for me. Just having him here, available if I needed a hug or needed to cry, helped. Plus, we could talk about it, focusing on the hope and on God's promises, rather than on our loss. I can't dwell on the sadness and on what was because if I do, then how will I heal?

And again, that leads me to pathetic fallacy. Go figure that when I headed over to a friend's house this morning, the sun was shining, the sky was clear, and the temperature was cool. It's like the hope after the sadness. In response to this experience, I've chosen to focus on God's promises. He has promised, that He "[knows] the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11). Indeed, He is bigger than this loss, and though I don't know why He allowed it, I do know that He will provide the strength and the healing. There is hope in Him. Besides, why would a loving, just, holy, and good God want me to suffer? He doesn't; He wants me to grow through this (though I certainly wouldn't have minded a different path to growth...).

I didn't choose for this to happen, but I can choose how I will respond. I want to rest in His promises, not dwell on the hardships. I want to claim His healing, not dwell in the pain. I want to hope for bigger and better things, not dwell on what might have been. He will heal me. He will fulfill the desires of my heart because I delight in Him (Psalm 37:4).

Recently I completed Beth Moore's Patriarchs Bible study, which was an amazing experience. In light of my recent experience, I see how perfect God's timing has been. The study was a reminder of God's promises to the Israelites, despite their sins and their grumblings. God never forsook them, even when they forgot Him. He had made a promise to Abraham, and He fulfilled that promise. How reassuring it is knowing that I, too, can claim that promise ("I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you. I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you, I will curse. And all people on earth will be blessed through you" Gen. 12:2-3). Because I am a spiritual daughter of Abraham, I can claim God's promise, and because I know who God is, I know that He will fulfill that promise.

So the sun shines after the rain... and healing comes.

The beauty of poetry

While reviewing imagery with my students today, I couldn't help but realize how much I appreciate the poems of William Carlos Williams. There's something about the images in his poetry. In some, the juxtaposition paints a vivid picture; the images aren't complete, but there's enough information there for me to understand and visualize the story. In others, his commentary on a particular emotion or scene is simple and focused, allowing me to act as an observer to the scene rather than an audience to the poet. That being said, here are a few of his poems that I particularly enjoy. I hope you enjoy them, too.

"The Red Wheelbarrow"

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.


"The Young Housewife"

At ten A.M. the young housewife
moves about in negligee behind
the wooden walls of her husband's house.
I pass solitary in my car.

Then again she comes to the curb
to call the ice-man, fish-man, and stands
shy, uncorseted, tucking in
stray ends of hair, and I compare her
to a fallen leaf.

The noiseless wheels of my car
rush with a crackling sound over
dried leaves as I bow and pass smiling.


"This Is Just to Say"

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

"This Is Just to Say" is even better when read aloud. I'm not sure why that is; perhaps it's the last stanza in which the speaker feigns an apology as the plum juice drips down his chin. Reading it aloud, I can almost hear the speaker issue his confession through bites of juicy plum. Delicious.

If only they knew...

Certain comments have made me laugh (internally) simply because my friends have no idea how true they are. Take Tuesday, for instance. Jeanne (a friend and co-worker) referenced a meeting we had had the day before, during which she shared that she would serve as a full-time gifted teacher next year, thus eliminating the need for my assistance with the program. Our supervisor commented that I would surely want to be involved with the curriculum aspect, to which Jeanne and I just paused, before she offered an elusive reply (she and I had already agreed prior to this that the shift in the position was actually a good thing, oops, a God-thing). Upon discussing this Tuesday, Jeanne asked me if I thought our supervisor noticed the "pregnant pause". Oh, Jeanne. If only you knew how pregnant that pause was!

Then, of course, there's my students. One of my former students (a senior, and a great young lady) stopped by to visit. She stayed for a good 45 minutes, filling me in on her senior year, from classes to prom to drama (as in high school drama, not theatre) to her college plans. Oh, and the fact that her sister is pregnant. Because this student is one I will always remember fondly, and one who would be excited by my news, I wanted to tell her... but couldn't. *sigh*

And then there's today. While my juniors were working on an assignment, one of my co-workers stopped by with her son (today was take your child to work day). That in turn prompted questions ("Do you have any kids?" "Do you want any kids?" "When will you have them?") from my students. I simply smiled, and replied, "No, yes, and someday." If only they knew...

Our little secret

This past weekend my husband and I were celebrating our niece's first birthday in NY, which was certainly enjoyable. What nobody knew, though, was that this weekend was also a bit of a celebration for our immediate family, too. I couldn't help but smile to myself as I thought about the discovery I had "made"; after over a year of hoping and waiting, I am pregnant. This still feels rather surreal, actually. I mean, every month I'd get my hopes up, only to have them dashed, and now, well, now my hopes are a reality.

I guess, too, I'm just amazed about what's happening even though there aren't any outward physical signs. To think that there's a life growing inside me at this very minute.... Words can't even explain how that makes me feel.

I'm so excited that I want to tell everyone right away, but, on the other hand, I know that we should wait to share the news. Plus, it's fun knowing that only Scott and I know; it's better than an inside joke that couples share. This is a new life, and a new chapter in ours, that only we know about (at the moment).

Scott's reaction was certainly better than I could have expected; he's excited! Granted, I figured he would be when the time came, but his affectionate teasing and pet names now reference the pregnancy (and anyone who knows him well knows that his teasing truly is affection). Course, there's also a twinkle in his eye that suggests he's happy and excited about the news.

Now the hard part will be waiting to share this with friends and family. Guess they'll have to learn of all the updates in retrospect, since they won't officially learn of it for a few months.