Peace

Thinking about my miscarriage a couple weeks ago (has it been that long already?), I've realized that my reaction might be a bit atypical. Yes, I've cried (and cried and cried), but in the midst of the overwhelming sadness, I've had a peace that I cannot describe. That's not to diminish or dismiss others' experiences; it's simply my experience, my reaction, to a terrible event. The anger, the hollowness, the numbness, the depression, I haven't experienced any of those, yet I know that those feelings are as real as my own. And I think that each one of those reactions, whether we experience them all, a few, or none, is necessary for healing to begin. Until we can fully experience the depth of our loss through our gut emotions, we can't move forward. Moving forward, though, doesn't mean forgetting or negating the child who was lost. Moving forward means trusting and hoping for a better future. It means looking at what will be and not dwelling on all that was lost. It means remembering and honoring the baby who was by embracing the life we've been given now.

Today I rediscovered Psalm 16. Certain verses in particular reminded me of why there is peace in the midst of sadness, and hope after loss.

"LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5)

"I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure" (Psalm 16: 8-9)

Though the storms rage, the Lord is there beside me, shielding me from the bulk of the wind and heavy rains. For whatever reason, I have to experience the storm, but I don't have to suffer through it alone; He is there, protecting me from the worst of it.